WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

Survival After Mormonism

D.E. Cunningham

Acknowledgements

A special note of love and gratitude to the following people:

Jessica, Leisel, Rebekah and Joseph: Thank you for loving me and standing by me

through all the tough times. You are truly gifts

from a loving God.

Neal: Thank you for your loving kindness as I have struggled to learn patience in trusting and waiting on God. Your faith has been such a blessing in my life.

Dedication: To Jesus Christ, the Lord and love of my life.

May your name be glorified through my words.

“I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness,

Because You have seen my affliction;

You have known the troubles of my soul,

And You have not given me over into the hand of the

enemy;

You have set my feet in a large place.”

--Psalm 31: 7, 8

Introduction

I was an active, devout Mormon for thirty-eight years. At the time I left “The Church”, my husband was the bishop of our ward. After I accepted Jesus Christ and became a born-again Christian, I asked, “Where do I go from here?” My wonderful new Christian friends encouraged me to read the Bible, pray and go to church. That was great advice, but there was more to my question. “Where do I go from here?” was also asking them how I should deal with the emotional upheaval, rejection and loss of security in my life. As much as they wanted to, my fellow believers could not understand what I was going through or what I would face as an ex-Mormon Christian.

I hope that by explaining my struggle, it will make yours easier. I didn’t sail through the transitions perfectly; I made some very good and some very bad choices. Once you leave the Mormon Church and take a stand for Christ, you are an avowed enemy to Satan. He doesn’t play fair and he will use anyone or anything he can, including your own weaknesses, to destroy your witness. He can easily be defeated in the spirit, but not in the flesh. Unfortunately as a Mormon, I dealt strictly in the flesh because I didn’t have a relationship with the one true God. Learning to walk in the spirit takes time and experience. I’m still learning!

Leaving Mormonism isn’t enough; there is a real God whose truth will set you free from hurt, disappointment, and bondage of every kind. Seek Him!

Chapter 1

IT BEGINS

As a Mormon for 38 years, I was fully committed and certain that I belonged to God’s only true church upon the earth. I was always very actively involved. I held leadership positions in my church as a youth, and was even asked to teach Primary when I was 13 years old. Even then I took religion very seriously. As I got older, I attended seminary from grades 9 through 12. I always received A’s. When I was 18, I went to Brigham Young University, took all the required religion courses there, and graduated with my B.S. degree in Elementary Education after three years. I had taken a “Missionary Prep” class at BYU, and fully intended to go on a mission. I began teaching school with the plan that I would save for that mission. Instead, I met the man I would marry--the man who met all of my criteria—the most important being that he was a very active Mormon who had served a mission.

We began living the Mormon dream. We were both active in the church, we held many positions, paid a full 10% tithing, prayed as a family twice a day, individually twice each day, and before meals. Our home was clean, and the four children we eventually had were well cared for and mannerly. All of our family and friends were Mormon, and we really didn’t associate with too many other people; we didn’t have the time or desire. As life went on, I became more and more exhausted from trying to be the perfect wife and mother. It was up to me to meet everyone’s needs, and if I worked hard enough, I was sure that one day my needs would be met.

I was trying to do everything my church had taught me I needed to do to gain eternal life, so why wasn’t I happy? Church leaders told us that we should be the happiest of all people because we had a fullness of the gospel; we were select and privileged. Only Mormons would inherit the Celestial Kingdom where God dwelt. Why did I keep feeling that no matter how hard I tried, I would never be perfect enough to get there? What was wrong with me? My husband became the Bishop of our ward. We now had a sort of prestige—yet I was miserable. Why didn’t I enjoy temple work? Why did I feel that all the genealogy I did was fruitless? Why did I feel I was working myself to death, but getting no closer to God? I remember praying one day and asking God to help me find out who I really was because I didn’t know anymore. I just knew that somehow I wasn’t the person He wanted me to be.

After taking several years off from my career to raise my four children, I went back to teaching school. I had several little children in my class from Christian homes. I was amazed that they would bring up the subject of God or the Bible. I thought only Mormon children were taught that well. Every Wednesday these little children would go across the street after school to Awanas. I began to see just how committed their families were to their beliefs. I became friends with one particular Christian family. We gradually began to visit about religion over the next three years, but my attempts to convert them to Mormonism were futile.

One night I was asked to baby-sit for this family. The littlest daughter had gotten hurt, and her father needed to take her to the hospital. While they were gone, I noticed a beautiful Bible in the living room. As I picked it up, one of the children told me that I couldn’t look at it; Mormons weren’t allowed to read it. I said, “Oh yeah? Watch me.” I put the children to bed and began thumbing through their Bible. There were lots of cross-referenced scriptures dealing with Mormonism. When my Christian friend got home, I began to quiz him about his opinion of Mormonism. In the conversation I became increasingly disturbed, and finally pinned him to the wall with the question, “Where do you think Mormons will go when they die?” He was a little reluctant, but told me that they would go to Hell. I was shocked! I asked him, “You think I’m going to Hell?!” I had worked all of my life to do the right thing, to be perfect, to help my neighbor—this neighbor—and he thought I was going to Hell! Although he tried to be very kind about it, I was so angry and hurt that I nearly began to cry. I left feeling very confused and thinking that my friendship with this family was finished.

The conversation kept nagging at me. I was sure he was wrong, and yet I felt compelled to know more. I attempted to explain this feeling by telling myself that with more knowledge, I would be able to prove this man wrong and convert his family to Mormonism. So, I began asking questions. The answers were very unsettling. He knew far too much about Mormonism. He knew things I had never been taught. Every time I tried to prove him wrong, I found out he was right. My investigations were disturbing my husband, so I withdrew my friendship from this family for a time. I was even more miserable because I had too many questions that needed to be answered. Eventually, I couldn’t stand the “not knowing” and initiated more dialogue. My friend told me about a class that was starting up at his church. It taught the difference between orthodox, biblical Christianity and Mormonism. I wasn’t too interested—it scared me to even think about going into a different church. This Christian family kept encouraging me to go. Finally I relented, just to stop them from pestering me. Since the class was held on Sunday mornings and our church was on an afternoon schedule, I could go to both. I was going there to set the pastor straight about my church--having faith that he would embrace Mormonism along with his entire congregation!

The longer I attended this class, the more troubled I became. I ordered books, studied late into the night, and spoke of my findings with my husband and Stake President. My husband didn’t have any answers for my questions, and told me that he wouldn’t study with me because he didn’t want to go through the Hell that I had been going through. My Stake President told me that he didn’t have to study to find the truth—he had faith. I was an emotional wreck. I would take long walks, pour out my heart to God, and just sob. What if Mormonism wasn’t God’s truth? What would I do? My husband was the Bishop. What would everyone say? I had to get away; away from the Mormons and away from the Christians. This was between God and myself, and I was determined that I would study and pray until He told me what to do.

By this time, my husband and I were receiving professional marriage counseling. The problems had been years in coming, but my searching for truth had aggravated the situation greatly. I told the counselor that I needed some time away from everyone. He agreed with me, and so I planned a 5-day trip to Stanley, Idaho. I made my motel reservations and began gathering study materials, my scriptures, etc. That’s when I found out that my Christian friends’ church was going on a retreat during the same five days, and that they were only going to be about 20 miles away. I nearly cancelled my plans! I didn’t want to be near anyone Christian or Mormon! My friends finally convinced me to go to one seminar at the retreat. I decided that before I could even consider leaving Mormonism, I had to know if there was something better out there. If not, why leave—even if it wasn’t the one true religion?

The seminar was impressive. I was amazed at how well Christians knew their Bible. The songs they sang were very different from the ones I had grown up singing in the Mormon church; these songs were full of life and touched me greatly. I was so impressed that I attended nearly every session during the retreat. The speaker at the retreat happened to be an ex-Mormon! In between and after these sessions, I put in long hours of study. I had never studied so hard in my life—I felt as if my life depended upon it. There was just so much damaging evidence piling up in front of me against the Mormon church—well documented, historical and theological evidences. I felt as if my entire world was falling apart. The more I learned about Joseph Smith, the more I realized he couldn’t possibly have been a prophet of God. And yet, I kept trying to make the pieces fit on the side of Mormonism. It HAD to be right. I couldn’t possibly have been wrong for so many years! I kept searching, studying, fasting and agonizing. Toward the end of my stay in Stanley, I simply fell apart in my motel room one day. I went down on my knees before God and I cried and cried. I told Him that I knew the Mormon church was not His church. I knew that I had been worshiping a God that didn’t exist. I begged Him to forgive me, and told Him that I accepted the true Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me. I asked God to please come into my life. I told Him that no matter what happened to me, I would renounce my former faith and become a true Christian—but would He please bring my children out of the Mormon church?

I called my husband, who was getting ready for a 5-day fishing trip, and told him of my decision. He was kind, yet very disturbed. A few days after I arrived home, my Stake President came to visit. In the course of our discussion, I asked him to take my name off the church records. He told me he couldn’t do that without holding a church court. When I asked why, he said, “Because you’re too high profile; we can’t just let you go.” My husband was the bishop of our ward, and I knew too much. I was an educated, thirty-eight year old woman who had just spent the past several months researching the history and doctrines of the Mormon church. For the first time in my life, I had dared to read beyond the selected and approved materials the church had spoon-fed me all of my life. I received my B.S. degree in education from Brigham Young University, where I was taught how to research and distinguish between slanted, biased information and fact. In using these skills, I found that there was an incredible amount of damaging information regarding Mormonism, and much of it came from church histories, discourses and teachings of the prophets. In researching, I disregarded any information that looked to be from a source hostile to the Mormon church. I looked at documentation and checked as much of it as I could.

I learned, among other things, that the Bible had not been mistranslated, but had been protected and preserved as the inerrant word of God (See Appendix A). When I saw how accurate and reliable the Bible was, I knew I could trust it to be God’s word. I then realized that the Mormon church teaches faith in a Jesus different from the Jesus of the Bible (See Appendix B). Only the Jesus of the Bible promises salvation through faith in His name. I had the wrong Jesus—one who did not exist--so I did not have salvation. Through study and research, I learned that the Mormon church was not the only true church, nor did it have any biblical priesthood authority (See Appendix C). Research showed me that Joseph Smith was not a prophet, but a charlatan (See Appendix D), and the Book of Mormon was his literary creation (See Appendix E).

My Stake President asked me if I still believed Joseph Smith to be a prophet of God. I told him that I did not. That’s when he handed me a letter announcing a church court to be held in my behalf that very night! I was able to postpone this court for one day, as I wanted time to prepare for an event that truly terrified me. The letter read:

Dear Sister Heiner:

This letter is to inform you of the upcoming Disciplinary Council to be held in your behalf on the 26 August 1998 at 9:30 p.m. The council will be held in the High Council Room of the Paul Idaho Stake Center.

This council is being held in your behalf because of your conduct against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, namely, apostasy. A disciplinary council seems to be the only way to help you repent, and to protect and safeguard the purity and good name of the church. Your membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints will be considered.

Please be aware that a Disciplinary Council is a council of love and we as a Stake Presidency will be fasting for you, and to have a closeness with our Father in Heaven so that we will know of his desires concerning this matter. We would like to encourage you to fast with us if you desire. It is not mandatory that you attend this disciplinary council, but we would encourage you to do so if you desire.

You may, if you so desire, bring any witnesses with you to speak in your behalf. May the Lord bless you to realize the importance and seriousness of this Disciplinary Council. We want you to know that we love you.

Sincerely Yours:

M. Gene Hansen

Stake President

Chapter 2

“LET’S GET ON WITH IT”

Was this real, or simply a nightmare that would disappear when I woke? How did I ever get here?

“We can just forget this whole thing and go home. No mention will be made of it. All you have to do is tell me that you know Joseph Smith was a true prophet,” explained my Stake President. As I sat in his office, grieving husband at my side, and a room full of Mormon priesthood leaders ready to convene a church disciplinary court in the next room, I heard myself say, “Let’s get on with it.”

So there I was, ready and willing to go through with a church court. At first I was terrified. I had been a devout Mormon; I fulfilled my callings and supported those in authority over me. I had not committed any grievous sins, and yet I was being called before a church court for disciplinary action. I had never liked being in the spotlight, and here I was, about to stand in one of the biggest. Fortunately, several of my new found Christian friends were praying for me that night. About an hour before this council began its court, a great calm settled over me and I knew everything would be alright.

As I entered the High Council room, I noticed that there were approximately seventeen priesthood leaders sitting around a large conference table. My husband and I were asked to be seated in chairs apart from but facing the table. These chairs were shorter that the others, and so everyone was literally looking down on us. My husband could only weep. When I was asked if I had anything to say, I stood and shared two of the many problems I had encountered in my study of the Mormon church. I gave them references and documentation they could check for themselves. At the end of my speech I read the following:

I must admit I am confused about why I have been brought before a disciplinary council of this church. The letter I received states: “This council is being held in your behalf because of your conduct against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, namely, apostasy. A disciplinary council seems to be the only way to help you repent, and to protect and safeguard the purity and good name of the church.”

1^st: My conduct against this church. I have not been immoral or dishonest in anything I have done. I have not openly opposed the church, nor have I gone to my friends and tried to persuade them to oppose church doctrine or church leadership.

2^nd: This council is supposed to be the only way to help me repent. What would you have me repent of—searching for truth? All I have done is to study, to search, ponder and pray as I have always been taught to do by this church. If you say I am an apostate because I have done this, then in all fairness, you must warn every member of this Stake that their membership is in jeopardy if they read anything contrary to what this council feels is appropriate. But I do believe that is censorship, and not in line with the teachings of Christ.

3^rd: This council feels they must protect and safeguard the purity and good name of the church. All I have done is to search for truth. 2 Tim. 2:15 “Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” I didn’t think that truth needed to be protected; that it could stand on its own. Truth never falls. It is only a lie that needs to be protected and safeguarded.

I, too, have been fasting, as was encouraged in the letter I received. As you can see, I have also not brought any witnesses with me. My life has been my witness and should protect my good name. You are also witnesses that I have lived a good, moral and upright life. You know as well as I do, that with an excommunication from the church, comes a certain negative stigma. I do not feel my name or my conduct in my life deserves that stigma. Therefore, I am requesting that my name be taken off of the church records without an excommunication. I have done nothing wrong—God knows it, and all of you know it. Thank you.

I was then bombarded with questions. What did I plan to do with the material I had found? (This question was asked several times.) If a Christian pastor offered me money, would I speak at his church and tell his congregation what I had learned? Had I taken off my holy garments? Had I told anyone else about the information I had found?

When the interrogation was over, I declined staying for their verdict. My husband and I left to return home. On the way he stopped weeping, looked at me and said, “You were so convincing”. Later that evening, a letter was delivered to our home which said:

Dear Sister Heiner

The purpose of this letter is to inform you in writing of the decision of the Disciplinary Council that was held on your behalf on 26 August 1998, at the Paul Idaho Stake Center.

The decision of the Council is that your name be removed from the records of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because of apostasy. May you realize that this action is necessary for you to completely repent and be forgiven.

You do have the right of appeal this decision. If you do desire to appeal this decision, you will need to write to the Office of the First Presidency of the Church.

All privileges of membership are denied, including the wearing of temple garments and the payment of tithing and other contributions. You may, if you desire, make such payments through a member of your immediate family who is in full standing in the church, providing that all receipts are written in the name of the family member.

In general, you will be treated as any other non-member of the Church. You are not entitled to speak or offer a public prayer, partake of the sacrament, sustain or vote against Church officers, participate in any way if in attendance at meetings, hold a temple recommend, hold any office in the Church, or attend any meeting of Church officers. You may, however, attend Church meetings in the consolidated schedule and we encourage you to do so.

We encourage you to repent and live the gospel standards to prepare yourself for baptism in the future. You will need to seek forgiveness from your Heavenly Father through sincere repentance. We want you to know that we will be happy to help you in any way possible. We pray for you and your family. We hope that you and your husband can work through this and you will know, as we know, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. Joseph Smith truly is a prophet.

Sincerely Yours:

M. Gene Hansen

Frank N. Hunt

Ronald B. Nielsen

This was my official exit from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints—the Mormons.

Chapter 3

AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER

As I studied my way out of the Mormon church, I stayed in a perpetual state of denial. I kept researching, hoping to find out that the Mormon church was what I believed it to be. Oddly enough, even after I formally left the church, I continued to study and research—hoping to find out that somehow Mormonism could still all make sense.

During this time I struggled with depression, and vacillated from feelings of joy and excitement, to feelings of intense anxiety and fear. One minute I was praising God for saving me from Hell and feeling freer than ever, and the next minute I was terrified of what would happen to me. This emotional rollercoaster was aggravated by a number of things: a self-identity crises, rejection, persecution, demonic oppression, loneliness, temptation, guilt and fear.

Self-identity Crises

My self-identity crises lasted for about a year. The way I viewed others, myself and the world all revolved around believing the Mormon church was God’s one true church, and that I was part of an elitist group, chosen before I was born because of my faithfulness in a pre-earth life. Who was I now? Everything and everyone had been categorized in my brain. Suddenly there were no categories and I was left doubting my ability to perceive anything correctly. After all, I had been deceived once. I had lived and promoted a lie for thirty-eight years. How could I now trust my perception; I didn’t even have a perception! I felt lost. I questioned my own sanity and the sanity of others. I needed someone to reassure me that my feelings and questions were normal. I understand now that I had to lose all sense of perception so God could replace mine with His. I was used to being able to fix things, and I wanted my mental confusion fixed immediately. God wanted me to learn to wait on Him; to live through experiences which would mold and shape my perceptions correctly, bringing me closer to Him and His desires for my life.

How did I survive this period of time?

Prayer--just crying out to God with complete honesty about how I was feeling helped immensely. It took awhile for me to feel free enough to do this—complete honesty and abandonment of inhibitions. I had never felt free enough before to talk to God as a friend. He already knew my thoughts, so I might as well speak directly and honestly to Him. I didn’t have to use the King James language, I didn’t have to be kneeling down, and I didn’t have to try to impress God; I could pray at any time, at any place, in any position, and with any attitude.

Continued study and research into Mormonism reinforced that I was right to leave. I wasn’t a nut case. No matter what my Mormon family and friends thought, the facts bore me out to be right—not them.

Attending a Bible study class at a Christian church was a tremendous help. There were so many twisted and distorted doctrines floating around in my head. My Bible study class helped me to sort and sift through the mess in order to get to the truth. Through this, God began building a new and secure foundation for me; one based on truth.

Finding another ex-Mormon to communicate with was such a blessing. I found a woman in my community who was about to officially leave the Mormon church. We had so much to talk about as we shared our common experiences. I would leave our times together feeling uplifted and refreshed. God had given me a friend that could understand me.

Rejection and Persecution

After nearly seventeen years of marriage, my husband told me I had ruined his life and he filed for divorce. One day he left the house without putting away his briefcase. I glanced into the open case and saw notes he had written for a child custody hearing. He named some of my dearest Mormon friends and claimed that each one of them would testify that he was a better parent. A Stake President from another area was willing to testify that because I had left the church, I was no longer a stable parent. Suddenly the people who had previously told me that I was a great mom, were now willing to side against me because I had left the Mormon church; I couldn’t possibly be a good mother if I wasn’t a Mormon. To make matters worse, the judge who would hear the child custody case was an active Mormon. According to these same notes, some of my Mormon colleagues at work were planning to force me to transfer to a different job site the next year.

Two of my four children thought I was Darth Vader from the “dark side”. One daughter was spying on me for her father, my friends pulled away from me, my mother was angry at me, and the rest of my family thought I had taken leave of my senses. Mormons I knew who previously liked and respected me, now looked upon me with disturbed expressions of disgust or confusion. Some of my colleagues at work stopped talking to me. Two Mormon women, during separate incidences, confronted my fourteen year old daughter. One of them told her that she had no respect for a woman (me) who would tear apart her family. Another woman told my daughter that she had no respect for me because I was having an affair. My ex-husband was getting a great deal of sympathy and began telling people that I had left the church because I was having an affair with a Christian man. At least one member of the high council spread that rumor as well. I have made some really stupid mistakes in my life, but having an affair during my marriage wasn’t one of them. It never happened. I was also accused of having joined a cult. It felt like the Mormon community was watching and waiting for me to make mistakes so they could devour me with criticism. After all, how dare I worship God according to the dictates of my own conscience?

How did I survive the rejection and persecution?

Finding an ex-Mormon friend was such a help. I could talk to her and we would compare war stories. She understood everything I was going through emotionally, and we would end up laughing about situations and attitudes instead of crying over them.

Christian friends listened to and prayed for me. Entire church bodies would pray for me. I felt their prayers and was strengthened by them continually.

Prayer--releasing the hurt and pain was absolutely necessary. When I did this, God would bless me with peace and understanding; I would feel His great love covering and protecting me. When I tried to bear the burdens alone, I would sink into depression.

Praising God for what He had done in my life and thanking Him in advance for what He was about to do to deliver me from the situation I faced, released an amazing power! The burden of the trial would lighten, and it seemed to go away much quicker than when I would indulge in a pity party.

Reading and exercising faith in the scriptures brought me great solace:

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.”

Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.”

Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”

Psalm 34:19 “Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

2 Corinthians 4:8,9 “we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;”

Philippians 4:6,7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

1 Peter 4:12,13 “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation.”

Demonic Oppression

Demonic oppression began when I started studying Mormonism in depth. I would be lying in bed and suddenly it felt like a great wall of blackness would hit me. I couldn’t move, breathe or scream. My eyes would be open, but I could see nothing but darkness; a darkness so heavy I could feel it. I thought I was going to die. I would cry out in my mind, “God help me!” and the darkness would leave. When I left the Mormon church, I told a pastor about these experiences. He helped me understand what was happening to me; these attacks were demonic. Satan wanted to destroy me. The pastor suggested I leave a light on at night, as demons love the darkness, not the light. I eventually had no fear of these oppressive attacks, nor did I continue to leave on a light. I knew that all I had to do was to call on God and the darkness would leave. As soon as I quit fearing them, the attacks stopped. At other times, and occasionally still, I feel the presence of evil around me. I get a creepy, goosebumpy feeling which leaves as soon as I command it to do so in the name of Jesus Christ.

I didn’t think that Satan was very powerful. He didn’t bother me much as a Mormon because I wasn’t a threat to him; he already thought he had me signed, sealed and delivered to Hell. When I became a Christian, I suddenly became a major enemy and he hasn’t left me alone since.

How did I get through this demonic oppression?

Prayer helped me recognize when I was experiencing a demonic attack. These attacks weren’t always in the form of the “black wall”. Some demonic attacks produced negativity, anxiety and depression in my mind. I learned that through prayer, these attacks could be squelched; I didn’t have to suffer with them for long periods of time.

Scripture study reinforced God’s love and desire to help me through any and all situations. It also helped me to see that nothing is more powerful than the God I serve!

Staying close to the Lord was vital. I could defeat Satan through the spirit, but not through the flesh—my own strength. If I suppressed the spirit by living in rebellion to God, Satan would overcome me in the flesh and wreck havoc in my life. Whatever I fed—spirit or flesh—grew stronger. I recognized that I couldn’t overcome Satan alone; I needed the Lord.

Refusing to fear what God had given me power to cast out brought relief. I didn’t have to fear demonic attacks because I could easily cast them out in the name of Jesus. They were defeated when I quit fearing them.

Keeping Christian music playing throughout the day really discouraged the demons. I never felt them near when Godly music was permeating my home.

Loneliness and Temptation

Those who leave the Mormon church with their spouses, are truly blessed. As a divorced, single mother, I experienced a great deal of loneliness. Not only did I lose a husband, but now my children were gone half of the time. My old friends had nearly all abandoned me, and I was just beginning to meet and make new Christian friends. Some of the ways I chose to fill those empty hours helped a lot.

Researching Mormonism reinforced my decision to leave.

Yard work gave me great pleasure and needed exercise.

Writing about my experiences helped me to confront and heal from them.

Walking released a lot of tension and helped me feel better physically.

Visiting with and encouraging my ex-Mormon friend brought me as much encouragement as I gave to her.

Putting in extra hours at my job enabled me to be very organized and spend less time working when my children were with me.

Studying Christianity and attending Christian events helped me begin a new self-identity and meet some wonderful people.

Attending Bible study classes cemented Christian theology in my mind.

Witnessing to Mormons brought me great joy as I sensed the presence of the Lord.

Listening to Christian music comforted and encouraged me.

Unfortunately, Satan preyed upon and had a field day with my loneliness. I had no idea how powerful he was or what he could do to help me mess up my life or destroy my witness for Christ. I didn’t know what it meant to live in the spirit and not in the flesh; I lacked experience and understanding. I take full responsibility for my mistakes. Yes, I was naïve, but I made some bad decisions; decisions I knew to be wrong. Most of these bad decisions came through the temptations I faced in dealing with men. I had spent a lifetime catering to Mormon men because they held the “priesthood”. I learned at a very early age that men were superior to women because they had this “priesthood”. They were given special privileges and opportunities that I was denied because I had been born a girl. I was to follow their priesthood authority without question. God therefore, would direct me through men. For some reason, I wasn’t worthy to have God direct me one on one. I saw men being fawned over, catered to, and nearly worshiped simply for their maleness.

When I left the Mormon church, I still carried around the mindset of male superiority. My self-worth hinged upon whether or not a man thought I was valuable. So when I suddenly had more men vying for my attention than I could handle, I was elated. These men claimed to be Christians, so I disregarded the “red flags”. They took away the loneliness, but I found myself compromising my standards to please them. For example, one man liked to drink socially. Before I knew it, I had become the designated driver for a group of people who drank too much and lived very worldly lives. I was uncomfortable with this arrangement, but I didn’t want to lose the adoration of the man I thought loved and valued me. I began to wonder if my ideas about the Christian lifestyle were too strict; he thought they were. The lines became fuzzy as I tried to keep one foot in the world and live out my Christianity.

God knew how to get my attention. He took everything away from me that kept me from a relationship with Him. I had begun to regard the relationships I had with men as more important than my relationship to God. I showed this by spending less and less time with God and more and more time with men. I was more willing to accommodate a man than I was to accommodate God. I was relying on these men to fill my needs instead of God. Consequently, God allowed disaster after disaster in my personal relationships. I was left with emotional scars I will carry for the rest of my life; scars which have become helpful reminders of pain I intend to avoid in the future. The good news is that God forgives quickly and completely (1 John 1:9)!

Guilt and Fear

Satan continually tried to induce me to live with guilt for my past failures. I learned, however, that God brings conviction, not guilt. Christ did not come to condemn the world but to save the world (John 3:17). When I have sinned and Satan begins with the guilt, shame and condemnation, all I have to do is:

Rebuke those thoughts in the name of Jesus, and remind Satan that the sin has been covered by Christ’s blood.

Forgive myself for having made a mistake.

Get on with my life and quit looking back. Before God saved me, He knew the mistakes I would make; He saved me anyway. He accepts me just the way I am and will change me in His way and in His time.

Living with guilt should not be the way of life for a Christian. God wants us to have an abundant life, and we can’t have that if we are burdened with guilt and shame from the mistakes we have made.

Mormonism teaches guilt and shame. Before I was even eight years old, I had been taught enough to know that I was expected to be perfect. When I was six or seven, I had a Sunday School teacher who told our class that if we didn’t sit quietly, we would be damned. The night after I was baptized (at age 8), my sister and I were lying in our beds talking. I remember telling my sister that my sins had been washed away and I was going to be perfect—no mistakes. Shortly after, I used a slang term in responding to something my sister said. I was devastated; I had just been baptized and already I was impure with sin. My sister could tell how upset I was, and she told me that she would pray and ask God to put that sin on her instead of me.